I could rattle off an old cliche’ of how I only came to surrender to Recovery when, “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.” This statement does have some truth, I was quite tired of waking up ill and worrying about whether or not I would be able to get on. But I’m not sure it was that simple.
I was first introduced to Recovery at the age of 19 but didn’t truly commit to any form of Recovery until I was 24. That is a 5 year gap of fucking off and spiraling into a pool of self-pity and despair. It wasn’t due to not believing I was an addict, I had known since the age of 17 that I had a problem with drugs. I simply couldn’t imagine a life where I didn’t get high everyday, it didn’t make sense to me how people could go through life not needing something to numb themselves.
A short story about my experience at 24 which led me to Recovery. It was summer of 2012, I had a nasty heroin, crack, and pill habit which was quickly escalating to the point of no return. Resigned to the idea of a young death at hand of a needle in my arm. Becoming lazy about hiding drugs and paraphernalia, my girlfriend at the time had come over to check on me after not responding to a series of frantic text messages and calls; at which point she found my needles and crack pipe sitting on my desk. A furry of worry came down like a hurricane from my parents and girlfriend, screaming of how disappointed they were and how I needed help. At this point, I was out of drugs and money; not knowing how I would get my next fix and worried about benzo withdrawal I agreed to go to treatment.
I originally chose to go to treatment because I knew they would give me benzos. I didn’t go with the intention of being in Recovery or staying clean and sober for a long period of time. I went because I didn’t want to start having seizures when I started withdrawing from benzos.
We can end up in Recovery by many different means. From being too drunk at a party and making a fool of ourselves to being homeless on the streets, the reason why we are here and why we entered Recovery doesn’t matter, all that matters is that we are here. I entered treatment to not ill and managed to listen just long enough to hear some assemblance of hope that I wanted to continue on a path of Recovery, but who knows maybe the old saying is true, “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.”